There, I said it. It sucks balls. Yes, I’m happy I’m adding to my family, yes I went to a fertility doctor, yes, this is what I wanted and signed up for, yes I’m ecstatic that I will be having a baby after two years of trying. That doesn’t mean that pregnancy is sunshine and roses. I had morning sickness from four days before I took the pregnancy test until about two and a half weeks ago. I cry at the drop of a hat, seriously, drop a hat, I guarantee you I will cry. I have heartburn. I have sciatica or something going with my left hip which makes it painful to sit or sleep, hell even to walk. I’m out of breath. Nothing fits. This is my second so I’m showing a lot sooner than I expected. Nothing sounds good. Everything sounds good. I miss beer. I want to punch coworkers and strangers. I’m too hot. I don’t feel attractive. I’m tired, oh so tired.
I completely understand if anyone who reads thinks, “Wow, bitch much?” or “After years of trying, heartache, and loss I’m finally pregnant or I finally have a child or children this chick should be a hell of lot more grateful!” I get it, I do, I am very happy to be able to have this baby, to add to my little family, to give my daughter a sibling. I am. I also know it’s okay to feel like this, it’s okay to feel a bit miserable, it’s okay to feel. I’m human, I’m not perfect, I’m not the greatest wife or mother to have ever roamed the Earth, but I’m doing my best, I’m doing all that I can to be the greatest wife and mother and dammit sometimes I need an outlet. I need to be able to express this, I think everyone needs to be able to express how they feel without fear of being told to suck it up or be happy that they’re able to do something because there are those in the world who can’t. Is this my first world problem? Yes, yes it is, I will gladly own up to that.
Think what you want of me, think the worst of me if you would like. For me, letting this all out means I can spend more time being happy and grateful that I’m having this child. This will be my last pregnancy. If I ever wanted a third baby I would have to go through IUI again or even IVF and there is absolutely no guarantee that either procedure would work. To be honest we and our doctor were stunned when the IUI worked the first time around. My husband’s sperm count is very low and I’m barely producing eggs. We really thought we were one and done and I can’t tell you many hours, days, and nights I spent crying and being angry at myself and the world over that fact.
So yes, pregnancy sucks balls, this is my first world problem, and I’m ecstatic to be having this baby boy in March. I can’t wait to meet him, his sister is over the moon over at having a little brother, and my husband can’t wait. We picked a first name, but we’re working on the middle name. Archer will be the first name, and we are looking forward to his arrival.
Oh, and I miss IPAs. I’m also looking forward to having one after Archer’s birth.